Tuesday, May 12, 2020

Day 6 into 7 - Insighful information came out - I am thankful

Yesterday's discourse what very very insightful, Goenkaji spoke about different enemies of the mind, & how many impurities the mind can have, all about the aversions, the miseries, the cravings, oh my goodness, how the mind is a manipulator. & that helped me uncover so many things that have passed in my life, & more specifically about an incident that happened at the beginning of the year that lasted 4.5 months.

for reference about the words used my Goenkaji, here is a website that answers https://www.vridhamma.org/A-store-house-of-answers-by-Shri-S-N-Goenka#Craving

I will also share some insights from last night's discourse of day 6 in a next post.  Some important highlights that will help you in your day to day life, and makes you open up your eyes about many things - I surely also encourage you to watch it regardless.

Also to mention, that after the 6 pm group sitting, they shared a wonderful video about Vipassana in TedX talk - here is the video to watch

After watching this, I was very interested to find out how can we spread the message about Dhamma all over the world, and help more people to find peace of mind, balance in their life, and more love and compassion

Anyways, going back to the discourse, after listening and getting myself ready for the meditation, I made sure to check on the sprouts I sprouted - watering them, and drying, brushing my teeth, filling my water bottles - than I sat down to meditate.

Oh... so many things happened in this meditation, so many thoughts, body movements, vibrations, electrifying sensations along the body, day 6 and almost during all my meditations, it was a sensation that was so present. Of course, always equanimity, and Anicca, impermanence. Nothing last, everything is in a changing manner... something we all need to know.

I will share some of the insights and what I have realized during that meditation which gave me more peace in mind, & also reflecting on how the previous Vipassana courses have came to give me self-realizations about so many other things too.

That night, sleeping was uncomfortable.. I had a strange dream/nightmare, that made my whole body shiver, & I couldn't find a way to be equanimous with it, or send love & compassion, it was so hard... and kind of disturbed my whole morning today - event my thoughts of writing are a bit itchy.

So in the dream, it was about a person who has planned on performing something in a resort that I used to go to during the summer, someone who is very down to earth, nice, who, asked me to write a note to the security at the door to give permission to his friend to come join him as he was afraid that because of his friend's looks, misery and poverty, they won't allow him in. So trusting this performer and I wrote a note and handed to the security.

All of a sudden, I hear fire guns, and the performer has been injured along with some people around him, and the hitter was not to be found... getting so worried & anxious about all what is happening, not knowing what to do & how to help, so started asking around to see who is the murderer, and to my shock,  it was the person I asked the security to allow his entrance... and here I felt so guilty, guilty of charge that I am the one who allowed this person in, he fired at his friend, the one who kindly asked me to give permission to allow him in... and I did that with a lot of love, kindness and compassion... ( during Goenkaji's discourse, he mentioned many stories and one was about killing, and how, after this killer met Buddha, he got on the path of Dhamma, and started sharing the merits of this practice and be became compassionate and started teaching the dhamma, also during the video on the TedX talk it was about that too) ( I had to go in the kitchen now to prepare a warm drink to get my mind and body warm so I can keep on writing...)

So I am in bed, rolling around, half asleep half awake, trying to find the equanimity in all of this... in addition to that, this murderer seems to have lived a miserable life, so unfortunate, so abused, and so not merciful, and in this resort, a lot of people who go there, are averagely well off, educated, and have the capacity to pleasure themselves, so he had other intentions when he came in, neither his friend of myself were aware of that. His friend died of the incident and I am still trying to rationalise all of this in my mind, asking for forgiveness,  trying to forgive myself, but this mind of mine was very stubborn, I couldn't let go of the idea that I was the one who allowed this to happen.. plus at the end of the dream, realizing that the family was gathering for dinner with their spouses, in a restaurant down in this resort (which in my dream, this resort looked so much different that what it is, even the chalet I used to stay at was so charming, so big, I was like how the heaven did we get this kind of chalet...) anyways, back to the main story, in the morning in the dream, we got an announcement that during this dinner, all the members of the family were murdered... all this became a Murdoch Mysteries, a series I never watched before, & I am simply guessing it speaks about murders and mysteries. & of course, my mind never was able to find equanimity - and I woke up.

The idea of doing something out of care, love, kindness and compassion, was translated into this, & the practice is to find equanimity with this, to forgive myself... wasn't easy... and I am still going through this today.

This brings up something I mentioned up at the beginning about an insight I had during the meditation at night.

At the beginning of the year, I offered a situation to someone I trust, out of compassion and kindness, in the knowing, that this offer is beneficial to both of us. In the offer contract, the main important items were well written, and knowing that person's way of being, my mind started shaking, and building stories - that one day this offer's agreement might change & I will have to be submissive to the new adjustments that were out of question.

So my mind tricked me into being submissive to it (The mind), not to the offer or the someone ...neither to the agreement (that was the insight, that made me feel so relieved) & I spent many months rolling this around, trying to find peace in my mind, and that just didn't happen... so few months in this agreement, as my intuition spoke to me... this someone came with another adjustment to the agreement... and I flipped... I simply couldn't find the peace, the equanimity in me to accept the changes, as that wasn't part of the agreement, & that made me feel so guilty, so bad, so unbearable, to myself... , at least I have realized that my mind tricked me for something I allowed to hunt me a long period of time, along to my intuition that is always present to protect me, only that, what I should have done is simply been more equanimous, and have let go of the thought from the start.. and allow what life has to show later to be instead of building blocks, and acting strangely and being so numb. Anyways, the relief happened when this whole agreement was unsealed - and each departed in their own way.

Anyways, those stories happen daily, simply observing the body' sensations, and allowing them to arise and be released, as everything is impermanent, Anicca, Anicca, Anicca..
Another word GoenkaJi loves to use is Sankhara  (mental reactions) you will hear it a lot in this discourses. ( You can find here and in my next post about the discourse: https://www.vridhamma.org/research/Vipassana-and-Vedana-as-Understood-by-a-Novice

It is already 10:47, on this May 12, 2020, and I started writing early around almost an hour ago, where I should have been meditating and heading out for a walk in the sun, even though it is getting cold.

Just to mention, the meditation last night helped me a lot, and I felt so much Metta, I even sent Metta to whom ever encountered me in their lives, that maybe, without any bad intention, I might have hurt them, or I haven't been up to their expectation, I am simply grateful to have been in your lives... and one day may you realize that all that I have done was coming out of compassion, kindness and love... even if the message wasn't as clear as that. We all do mistakes, and we are bound to be forgiven.

May you all forgive yourselves, and forgive others by finding the Metta in your heart, and by shinning your lights where ever you are... May you all be happy, find the equanimity in your path, allowing the calming of the mind, and feeling the subtler sensations in your body, and knowing that everything is impermanent,  & allow yourselves to live in the here and now. The is the Present, & that is the Gift.

Will continue about Day 7 in the second post - Gosh I have so many to write, and I almost half the day is over. (well kind of when you wake up at 5 and it is almost 11)

Have a wonderful day.. until later

Date to post May 12, 2020
15th to publish

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