Tuesday, May 12, 2020

Day 7 - Follow up

Following the writing of the previous post, which took a big chunk of the day, I was hesitant between heading for a walk, or meditating alone for an hour. This mind mental debate is unbelievable.

Finally & happily, I decided to meditate, as this is what I am here for.. walks are important and part of the schedule, and it is important to move your body a bit, & at least you get the sensation of meditation in motion. So what made me happy is that I didn't surrender to the mind and I went with my feelings.

Meditation was awesome, and my legs got numb.. they have been getting so numb in my sittings, and my tail bone is not giving me a break, a true suffering in this body, and my tibia muscle is killing me, I have to find a way to stretch it that helps.

Once done, and finally was ready to go out, getting ready for this unpredicted type of weather, I did go for this walk, and I was please to feel my energy, my body that were truly strong, almost an hour or so, walked & hiked around 8km. What a bliss! Even with the wind, the cold breeze, I felt I managed to walk faster then the past two days, I didn't feel exhausted at all, I felt more nourished.

Coming back home, on time for the group sitting at 2:30, which I assisted to from the Dhamma app recordings - I think during it I dozed off a bit, again numb legs, and an uneasy sitting.

Finishing up, I was debating with myself, should I go grocery shopping today to get ready to juice after, do I want to start juicing on Friday for few days to at least be able to have a cake on the 20th?

Even though, the other day, during meditation or right after, an idea came to mind, I remembered some people asked me to learn about this journey, specifically the juice cure. What came up was that I can host an online group to juice together, where I will share the ingredient of every recipe, we juice separately at home, and we meet virtually every 3 days as check ins, and more recipes. At the same time, as I have been preparing this tiny Juice Cure Book for few years now, that I haven't finished due to design and lack of photos, I thought, maybe the participants can share their photos of their juices of each recipe, and will get to choose from these to add in the book. And because since I have started the path of Vipassana, and that I have switched my type of work to healing, through guidance and food, and as it was my only source of income, although I always wanted to find the best way to share my knowledge for free, or maybe a donation, unfortunately, my way of minimal living couldn't afford that, for that reason I had to charge.

What I have been thinking, maybe by being able to provide myself the basic financial needs, then I can be happily sharing my knowledge on donation basis... dana, like in Vipassana. It is the way to teach, as what we experience is something we always want to share with the world, and I always believed that education should be free.... thus I created a big event in 2016, Pure Wellness Expo and it was donation based for participants to visit and enjoy what was offered for the day.

Anyhow, this is my thought, and I will look into maybe changing or adding a donation box on my website, for whom ever would like guidance, and their only means is to offer something minimal.

I remember, when I started, I didn't charge, I was too shy to ask, though, I did ask the clients to spare a meal to someone they know that can't afford it.. it is all about paying forward...

So for this Juicing workshop/support group, maybe will put one together in June, donation basis, and that will give many the opportunity to jump in this journey, specially before the summer, and of course, after this lock down, some might have gain weight, and it would be perfect timing to give health and love to the body.

I will put together a sample survey, which you can check in and sign up with some dates that are convenient for you.

Another thing happened this afternoon, after the meditation, I decided to write another post, about some of the discourse yesterday, which I recorded to write it... it took a long time, as there was many mistakes that I needed to listen to part of the discourse again, and looking at the time, I got frustrated and nerves that I am not finishing it, and I might not be able to post it today, as in 45 min we start the online group sitting, then the day 7th discourse, then night meditation and off to bed.... so yes not time to write it or post it.

Anyhow, this got me really, and while heating the soup that I prepared yesterday, the recycled soup, I found in the cupboard, maybe some of my Airbnb visitors left a bag of spicy butternut squash seeds - and i thought, let me just taste... and off it goes.. well, not all the bag, but mostly, and I was like, oh no, oh no, I am craving... I am really craving, and I haven't craved for a long time... that word was even out of my dictionary. Thinking that the soup was warm enough, I poured a bit, (though I wasn't that hungry, but I thought if I am to go to the grocery shop, I'd better have something, otherwise I might buy all the store... well I didn't even go) While having it, which wasn't tasty at all, specially after having those savory, chili butternut squash with spices... I was disappointed,  couldn't even find in me any gratitude for that soup.. and I was so angry about myself... plus I am pmsing.. so go figure ladies.... got the butternut bag again and had more... oh no, oh no, what have I done.... What kind of commitment am I really doing.... what is this bullshit challenge that I took and couldn't even keep.. oh yes, the mind starting talking, bullying, creating stories... as if all that I have already done is gone down the sink.... oh my... how the mind functions....

and I failed to finish that post, as I got angry, unhappy with the food... and what ever... I am so disappointed.  Actually this is how I wanted to start this post, then I made myself remember that no, I actually had good things happening before this moment...

I am in this mind debate... today is day 7, I have abstained from all the precepts, but not the one I took on for me, the water fast..adding liquid food, plus not having the meals on time... maybe going for longer walks then I should, and meditating definetly the three times sitting, morning alone time, mid day alone time and afternoon alone time... but not as precise.... oh no, what kind of a commitment is that....

Plus, forgot to mention, that the teacher wrote me yesterday, and said, as I am not prepared for this self-course, mixing fasting and course together, which she didn't approve, plus not having any real food at home as I have emptied my fridge to make sure I do NOT try to eat... that wasn't a good way to get in a course like this.... so all of this... got in my mind, from the time I got the email yesterday... and I was looking for a way to quit all this... then I looked at the bright side... still with all the mistakes I have done, I got to have good things in the process, I got insights, got the time to write again, plan for my future, lost weight, got to keep my exercise, haven't spoken to anyone in 7 days... all of this should count... no?

Ah and yes, one of the precepts or code of discipline is not to read or write, or check any electronics... so I am here using my mac, to write, on a daily basis, also sending a message daily to mum so she makes sure I am fine, and my sister checks here and then... being home alone, they get worried...

So... my question to myself is:

Have I failed? Haven't I witness new things in this process? Should I do it again - one time the self-course alone and be more prepared- and another time the water fast, followed by the juice cure.... What am I trying to prove? I have done all of this during the past 8 years and I have nailed it each time... only that I wasn't alone at home... and so what, I am used to being alone... what is this mind speaking now... maybe my intentions were different - wanted to truly show that we can live only with water... I did that and I know how it feels, only that this time I shouldn't have planned it with Vipassana specifically, it should have been a different way... I learned... I learned....

With all this, I know that I have lost 3.5kg, drank daily at least 3/4 L of water and 1L of water with lemon (the preps I have done) 500ml of any other liquid form of food or mylk (plant based I did at home with hemp or oats)/ or recycled soups from the freezer. And surely the 1L of Herbal tea... I know I would have managed without food or cravings... just to satisfy the mind, I did it... not the body... I still have constipation it has been 3 days. Outch! I got to rework on my system again...

The good thing is that I have been waking up much earlier then usual and I would truly like to keep it that way, plus follow the two sitting daily online in the am and pm, surely to keep writing, whether I post them or not, it doesn't matter, I am getting the simple pleasure of sharing to myself... like I did when I first started this blog... only for my challenge... didn't seek fans or followers... if it gets in people's hands then good, and if it doesn't then it is good too.

( not I do not have a daily diary, I have been finding it hard to handwrite... I start doing many mistakes... if you have been wondering, why should I put everything online instead of keeping it to myself...)

It is already 17:40, online group sitting is starting soon - must get ready...
I hope I didn't bore you will all this... I know it is very very long to read...

after the sitting, I will add the Day 7 Discourse... & will share my merits from it tomorrow...

Have yourselves a wonderful evening.

That kind of Snack... Cravings Cravings..

Raw Chocolate from Italy had it since November 2019

Date to post May 12, 2020
16th to publish

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